Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Thing I'll Miss the Most

Today has been a bit of a rough day.

Before today, I was mostly really excited about moving.  I'm so excited that God is working so visibly in our lives.  And I'm so excited that we'll be able to see our family more often.

But last night, it just sort of blindsided me.  The grief, the pain of losing Florida.  I know it sounds melodramatic (which is probably partly a product of the super descriptive and emotional book I'm reading right now), but I sort of feel like I'm grieving for Florida.

I've wanted to live here my whole life.  When it finally came true, I couldn't hardly believe it.  It was one of those dreams that seemed so impossible that it would always stay a dream and never a reality.  The beach is one of my heart's homes; it always has been.

And now, I'm leaving it.  How can you be so sad to lose something as vast and changeable as the ocean?  How can you mourn the loss of a dream come true?  Today, the realization that we're actually leaving the beach to live about as far from the ocean as you can get on this continent really hit me.  And I broke.

We went to visit my friend, the beach, today.  If anything, it made things worse.  Knowing that I only have one or two chances left.  Knowing that next week I'll leave a place I feel so relaxed and free, one of the places I feel at home.  The ocean cannot come with me to Missouri.  Oh how I wish it could.

I've known through this whole process what leaving the ocean means to me, but today it just punched me in the gut with emotion. 

But I keep reminding myself, and God keeps reminding me, that our path is set for Missouri.  And I am still excited about it.  But I've finally found the mix of emotions that was strangely absent for the last week as we made the decision and set out on the journey.

So now that I've shared this with you, I'm going to go lay in bed and read my incredibly descriptive and emotional book and let the tears leak out onto my pillow.  And I know that tomorrow when I wake up, these emotions will still be here, but I will know they're coming and I will be ready to appreciate them all.

And tomorrow, I will write a more upbeat post.

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