I haven't wanted to blog very much lately. I'm only human, so it's usually really easy to share when I'm in a good mood. But when things aren't going so well, it's a bit harder to be honest about it to whoever feels like reading these quite public posts. I will never claim to be perfect, but it is a struggle to share your down moments on the internet. But, I don't want to pollute the purpose of my blog by acting like I don't have struggles and problems and bad days (or weeks).
The thing about contentment is that it is a constantly shifting state. Everyday you have to wake up and choose to be content with all of God's blessings. So it's not exactly a thing you can achieve all the time. (Or if you can, someone seriously needs to give me lessons.) And, truth is, it's taking a bit more effort than normal to find that contentment.
You know how it is, I'm sure, nothing's really wrong. Sure, each day has little struggles, but there isn't a major reason to be discontent or depressed. I'm just not sure what God has in store for our lives. And for a while now, it's sort of felt like we're in limbo. Just between things. But that's not how God intends our lives to be. We shouldn't be just waiting around for whatever is going to happen next. Unfortunately, though that's really easy to say, it's a bit harder to live sometimes.
It's just hard to not know anything about your future. And we all know what that's like. It's not an isolated feeling. Right now, I have a lot of time to fill during the days while Thomas is at work. A lot of time to think. A lot of time to wish. And I really try to make myself useful and put the housework and the important things first. But no matter what I do with my free time, it seems to make me wish for something else.
If I watch a movie, I find myself envying the characters for the freedom and their problems that can almost always be solved by just talking to the other person. If I read a book, I start wishing I could be whisked off to Narnia or Tremaris where the enemy is more obvious and less cunning. If I watch "House Hunters" (a favorite of mine, that I'm not supposed to watch), I start out thinking I'm ok, and I just really enjoy looking at the houses. But then, a day to two later, we drive by a house with a "For Sale" sign out front and I find myself wishing.
Constantly wishing... for something else... sometimes for anything else...
But that's not how God wants me to live; it's not how I want to live. I want to be joyful, to be truly and genuinely thankful for all the blessings God has given me; I want to be content with where He wants me.
I obviously don't have the solution on how to be content, but I'm just trying to go through each day, thinking of things that I'm thankful for.
Like: My husband who decided to buy me flowers just because he knew I needed some extra love. Music, I'm so thankful for music and how it can change my whole day around. I'm thankful that we have a wonderful place to live and the fact that my dream of living near the beach came true. That I have fresh, (sometimes) healthy food I like to eat each day. I'm thankful that I'm healthy and young and surrounded by people who care.
So that's all I've got. All day long, I just try to think of these things and thank God for them, even if I'm not feeling it that much. A small plan to fight discontentment, but as long as I try, I just have to remember that I have a very big God on my side. Rooting for me.
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